I still like Chardonnay with salted peanuts.

Updated: Jan 9

A few thoughts on "Thriving" and tips on how to talk to cancer survivors.

~New Years Eve 2023

It is more simple than you might think. Less showy. At least it is for me anyway.

As 2023 comes to a gracious close, there are a few thoughts on what Thriving after cancer means to me.

Recently I started a Facebook group, called BC Thrivers and I have been thinking a lot on how we as members of the breast cancer survivor tribe seem to express together common sentiments on what feeling "good" is and how it contrasts to the public perception of what it maybe "should" look like.

It is no secret that in the US, we live in a culture of seemingly continuous competition. Be better. Wake up before dawn. Get that workout in. Lose weight. Make millions. Do it with a smile and be sure to brag and "share" about all your successes on all social platforms. And if you do it in a video, even better.

Do not get me wrong, I love competition on the field and court when I am playing a game. I also love a good challenge and have sought them out throughout my life.

But in the life of post cancer treatment, when people often ask me questions about my lifestyle, I feel pressure to be this embodiment of perfect life choices and be the token "warrior" who has triumphed and is now wearing pink every day in October, cooly running marathons and eating vegan.

This is not a vent, or maybe just a little. It is more of a friendly tip as to what to NOT say to someone you know fighting the battle and thoughts of how I have found some balance.

Some amazing new friends to share stories and laughter

As a member of this special community of women survivors, some of the best laughs I have shared have been with other members of the tribe about the crazy things people have said to us.

**Here I need to give a shout out to an incredible organization, YSC Young Survival Coalition . They are so welcoming and have a fantastic network across the country offering support, events, community, and they fund fantastic research efforts. Check them out!

Some of the usual questions...

"So, did you cut out sugar from your diet?"

"So, did you cut out dairy?"

"So, did you cut out red meat?"

"So, did you cut out alcohol?"

As well meaning as these cancer prophets may be, their comments and eager eyes are laced with judgement and their words are often triggers to those of us who get to have the fun of fearing cancer recurrence with us on the daily.

There also is this implied, or sometimes very direct message being conveyed that eating sugar, dairy, red meat and your favorite cold beverage in your pre-cancer life, helped cause the most devastating disease which ravaged our bodies.

Once an elementary school nurse asked me in front of my 7 year old child as I was bald, tired and picking him up sick from school, "Did you eat a lot of dairy? Because I heard that can cause cancer." Thanks lady.

For the record, I have never liked milk. But, I love cheese, and still do!

And while there were all the comments about what we shouldn't do, there are also tons of suggestions of what we should do now and of course what we should have done to avoid the big "C". It is always interesting how much people without cancer seem to know about my very specific diagnosis and treatment options. Those preachy stories are fun, but that is a whole other topic (and hilarious in hindsight) .

*But remind me to tell you the mushroom story next time we talk.

What the critics may also want to remember is that stress has a very strong correlative relationship to cancer. So the questions and self-doubt created as a result can have pretty heavy stress related responses to those of us who fear recurrence daily.

We do not know the answers as to the cause of cancers, yet. Sweet beautiful children also battle this disease who have never had the luxuries of life that we as adults have had.

As I see it, all those who have fought the battle and especially those who still are right now, are inherently warriors and are "thriving" for simply living day to day.

We do not need to all go vegan, cut out meat, become triathletes, and demonstrate an epic comeback to be thriving. We can remove that pressure from ourselves. Although rock-on to those who choose that path. Who knows, I may join you one day.

I have made many improvements in my lifestyle, my routines, my diet choices and live with much greater awareness of my choices than I did pre-cancer.

However, "thriving" for me is even more basic than that.

It is being able to resume living a normal life. It is of course a "new normal", but going through a day not constantly thinking "what if's" and getting paralyzed with fear and fatigue was my real evolution. It is being able to focus on my kids, my family, my friends and not myself and my illness.

It's enjoying a mellow afternoon hanging with my kids.

It is happily not...

looking sick
waking up nauseous every day
spending countless exhausting hours on the phone with insurance and making doctor appointments
being scared and tired every minute

It is...

having energy to play soccer and a little basketball with my kids
having the energy to enjoy a mountain hike with my hubby
planning a vacation one year in the future
enjoying a delicious meal
reading a fantastic book
hosting a craft party for my daughter's friends and having the energy to pull it off and laugh at how awesome and silly 10 year old girls are
maybe doing a difficult yoga class
being able to enjoy my work in real estate and have the energy for my clients
having battles with my kids over wearing jackets outside and brushing their teeth
listening to my husband snore... no, just kidding